I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
