i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
