I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
