He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
