He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
