I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
