So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
