Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
