Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
