i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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