rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
