Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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