Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
