Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
