Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
