I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
