I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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