i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
