I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
