I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i think i scared a bird with my dick
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
