We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
40s are totally the cure
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
