His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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