is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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