we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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