Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
