this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
