oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Rumble strips road head = magical
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
