There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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