Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
