She's JV to your varsity
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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