i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
