Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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