Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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