Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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