someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
