god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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