dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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