I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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