Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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