I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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