I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
