3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
