So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
