It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
