today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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