The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
