New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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