totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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