Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
