I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
