if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
