I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize