i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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