FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I am available for nakedness
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize