if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
